Lightbend Announces Official Sponsorship Of 2017 Total Solar Eclipse
Moon Expresses Outrage At "Amateur" Light-Bending
Lighbend is proud to announce that it has secured rights to be the official sponsor of the 2017 Solar Eclipse, which will take place on August 21st, 2017. Mark Brewer, Lightbend CEO, announced the sponsorship at a press conference held earlier today.
The announcement came as a surprise to those following the upcoming eclipse. News stories reported that the Moon was against Lightbend’s sponsorship. Brewer was asked about the Moon’s resistance. He commented, “The Moon’s only contribution to the negotiation was to get in the way. It was a blocker and nothing more.”
I’ve been bending light since before they were born. How dare they!
The relationship between Lightbend and the Moon has been contentious for the past year, beginning when the company formerly known as Typesafe renamed to Lightbend. At the time, the Moon commented, “I’ve been bending light since before they were born. How dare they!” Lightbend representatives claimed the Moon paid community “volunteers” to express outrage over the name change.
Despite our fundamental disagreement with the Moon’s choice, we decided to take the higher ground and continue with our sponsorship. Speaking of ‘higher ground’, what’s the highest mountain on the Moon, anyway?
-Mark Brewer, CEO of Lightbend, Inc.
Brewer said that the sponsorship arrangement nearly never came to be. Lightbend attempted to include the Lightbend smile logo over the eclipse but the Moon was unwilling to comply. The Moon stated, “We are at the forefront of the eclipse. Under no circumstances will we relegate our position.” Ultimately The Sun persuaded Lightbend to continue the sponsorship despite the Moon’s obstinance. Brewer stated, “despite our fundamental disagreement with the Moon’s choice, we decided to take the higher ground and continue with our sponsorship. Speaking of ‘higher ground’, what’s the highest mountain on the Moon, anyway?” When told it’s Mons Huygens, which is 5.5 km high approximately 50% taller than Mt. Everest, Brewer became uncharacteristically silent.
After acquiring Sun Microsystems in 2010 most industry analysts expected Oracle to lead the sponsorship. Brewer commented “It seems that Oracle made the mistake of looking directly at the Sun. Ever since Oracle has been blind to Ecliptical issues.” When asked to compare to Oracle’s leadership of Java, Brewer refused to comment.
For more information about the upcoming solar eclipse, including viewing locations and instructions, please see: http://static.nsta.org/extras/solarscience/SolarScienceInsert.pdf